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| betrayed
misunderstood
broken
&
confused
i want to tell you so much and yet i don't want to know
i don't want to feel this weight anymore
i want to feel light and careless, light and careless for once in my life
i want to feel secure
i want to know that this dream was not a lie
why can't you understand
why can't you just tell me?
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| A month passed by so fast here in Barca. There is still so much I need to do before I head back home for another month before school. Tomorrow, I'm banking on going to see Dali's house. It's a 1.5 hour train ride from Barcelona. Should be nice, since I'm going with my friend.
I really can't seem to focus. Life has changed so much in this month. I came to understand a lot and how naive I was to believe another. Your life is only in your hands and there is no one who cares enough about you. There is only you. You must love yourself for who you are and put yourself before others. This sounds very egotistic but life has taught me this. I've been too caring, too giving. Possibly, to open for a particular someone. I'm so vulnerable at this point that I compare myself to a small child who has lost her mother's hand in the crowd of the big city. Why have you done this to me? How could you have lied for so long? Did you not see the trust I had for you every time you looked into my eyes? How could you hold my hand and tell me that it would be okay but when the time came, let go of me so easily. You've hurt me, like no other has. What doesn't brake me, only makes me stronger. Karma is a bitch. What goes around comes around -- this is all for you to know.
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| Myspace is great but xanga has always been a special part of my life. I'm back, hopefully I will be forgiven for my absence.
As of now, I am sitting on a gorgeous balcony overlooking beautiful Barcelona. I've been here for a week but it seems like so much longer. It's just me and my father at the moment, the rest of the family will be joining in a week or so. I'm taking spanish classes and learning about the Spanish culture. I walk around the city, staring at the magnificent and historical buildings. People live there, they grew up seeing this beauty. It might very well be, that they do not understand how lucky they are to be a native of this city. As for me, I am just lucky to be able to experience a little of this life.
I'm here for two months. I've been torn away from my life at home. It seemed like this summer would change everything to the better of it. It seemed like finally, I would be able to breath in the air of my city and spend time with the one person I love most in life. I was proven wrong, my hopes and dreams were taken away from me. I know I cannot complain. Many dream of a chance to do everything I am at the moment but I was not ready, not prepared for the pain I am experiencing at the moment.
Can one be prepared? Time can heal but time can hurt as well. This excruciating pain is taking over my body and mind. The distance between us has brought us down to the point where we cannot think of a way out. I am weak, tired and disappointed in myself. I feel lost and for once I do not know what to do. If only this everlasting flame of love and passion would stop, would just leave me alone. But it won't and never will and possibly that is what scares me the most. The misunderstanding between my heart and mind hurt me inside and out, as if someone is throwing sharp pieces of glass into my chest.
I am torn between thinking and feeling. I think one way but feel the opposite. I want to be and then I don't. We live once and God only knows for how long.
If I only knew what to do.
I would tell him too, so he wouldn't feel the pain either.
Or maybe he doesn't already but I would be only happy for him if that is the case.
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| i have not forgotten about you. i will post photos and news as soon as i'm back on track and at school love all of you dearly hope you had a wonderful christmas break <3 lala | | |
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